As it has always been said, a need is the first step of achieving the goal, I’ve heard never realized the true meaning of it till I was hit with a different reality. For the last 11 years I’ve been trying to get a fixed job in a prestigious association and for that, I took multiple courses, training and volunteered to work fully free. All that was in hopes to get me to the place that I’ve always hoped to have, but for my misfortune, it did not. I started from scratch, literally, every time I think that this is the point where my fortune will change and I’ll start ascending the ladder of my hopes, a hammer comes to break that ladder. Again I fell on my back and each time it becomes harder and more painful than the previous one. “I give up, that’s it. I will stop being optimistic about anything in this country” even though in the back of my head I wanted to believe that I still can achieve my hopes, but the reality clashes with my ambitions and somehow sneaks to my head to erase these hopes.
On the 30th of April 2018, was the wrecking date, I gave up my job because I refused to work against my principles, despite me knowing that this action will set me back to the process of job hunting and waiting but I did not care frankly. “My principles come first” I always kept that in my head and that’s why I lose my battle against society. At that particular date, I returned home smiling but devastated from the inside, trying to convince myself that the right choice was made and no going back anymore. Needless to say, the amount of depression I’ve been through but I kept telling myself “no compromising, either all or none”
Months flew by and got the chance to register in a course that would be very beneficial for me personally and vocational. As I entered the hall, my eyes skimmed everything quickly to get a tiny glimpse of what the upcoming month would be like. At first, nothing drew my attention until she entered the hall and with a smile apologized for being late. A medium height lady with fair skin and brown eyes, clearly from the way she walked there was something wrong with her leg. The first session, the topic was about improving yourself and each one of us shared her point of view. When her turn came I focused all my senses on the words that were about to come from her mouth, mostly out of curiosity to know her more because this hall was the only place where we could meet. As she spoke I learned that she holds a B.A. in Information technology and it took her more than 4 years to gain that certificate due to health issues. I was even more curious to know the remaining details, but I wanted to be very cautious in my words when talking to her, I did not want to be an emotionless person nor did I want her to feel that I pity her. So after 5 sessions I gathered up my strength, organized my words and sat next to her and I started to chat with her and after a long general discussion I decided to get a little more personal, “Sorry if my question might seem an intrusion, but you mentioned earlier you had a health condition that delayed your study, can you explain it to me?” as those words came out my mouth for a second I wished I could take them back, I feared that she would think of me as impolite or rude, but she looked at me with a smile and said, “ my story is quite different, you see I was an intelligent student and had a bright future. When I was in college the instructor gave me a grade which I did not deserve so I was stressed out”. She goes on with a smile “I could not let it go, the more I thought of it the more it made me angry and stressed. One day while I was in college I began to lose my concentration and balance, and all that I recall me being in the hospital, later on I knew I fainted at the college campus.” With that same beautiful smile she continues, “Doctors told me that a blood vessel in my brain exploded and caused some blood clotting and that needed to be removed at once. My family took me to the occupied territories “so-called Israel” to have surgery to remove that clot. That surgery caused a temporary loss of my voice, and had to spend several months to recover.” As she spoke what overtook me was her smile, as if she finds her strength through her smile. “I was determined to overcome my collapse, so as soon as I recovered I went back to Gaza and continued my college. I graduated and I was over the moon, but as I visited my doctor that happiness faded away. He told me that I should consult the doctors who performed my surgery as soon as possible. To be honest I did not want to go through that pain again and besides I was starting my career so I just ignored his advice. As days passed by I began to feel that something wrong with me and to save a lot on myself I immediately prepared my papers and went to a hospital in Jerusalem where the doctor told me that I had a mass “which is benign” in my head and must be removed”. My eyes unconsciously got wider, I was shocked at the obstacles that she had to face yet she knew how to maintain that smile of hers. That was an awakening point to me, here I am moaning about my horrible luck and me being completely jinxed, while here in front of me sits a strong, stand-still woman who despite all never lost her bright smile. She goes on, “So I did go under the knife again and had that mass excised, but that mass had to leave with a souvenir”, she said. “It affected both my right arm and left leg, and left them semi-dysfunctional.” By that, she meant that she can’t use her hand freely because she can’t move it, and her leg became slight heavy which affected her ability of walking and made it slower. “All that never stopped me from pursuing my dreams, so I participated in various projects as me being a trainer for other children and women who may have minor “disabilities”. I ended up opening a library where all those who seek to continue their master may use the book collection that I have there.”
“Thank you,” I said, “for what?” she asked, “ for being the person who you are, for being a model that all women should look up to, for being stubborn and determined to snatch your dreams and never let them go.
Our long conversation ended and each one of us bid the other goodbye. As I walked myself home, my brain never stopped thinking of how meeting people would change millions of things in your life. A few days away I was down and completely pessimistic and now I am overthinking everything and becoming more confident and sure of what I should do. I have to BELIEVE that all dark roads have a ray of light no matter how big or small it may be, this ray will lead you to your dreams.